Local Klufford’s Holler resident Homer Jones, who moved up to New York City for awhile to see what city life was like, says it weren’t worth it trying live in a big ol’ town like that. He tells that the neighborhood he lived in there was really a bad one. So bad in fact, Homer says, that everybody in the building next to him was paying protection. And it was the police department.

Tags: Town Folk

Ernest Gillsup, brother of former Klufford’s Holler moonshiner Melvin Gillsup, went to Brushy Mountain State Prison to visit Melvin last week. Melvin has been there for a quite spell now after the revenuers come into Klufford’s Holler and found his moonshine still, busted it up and arrested Melvin. When Ernest came back from his visit with Melvin at the prison, he said Melvin is doin’ mighty fine and that he is really enjoyin’ his retirement from moonshinin’ there. Ernest says Melvin really likes his little one room brick and steel home, complete with its indoor outhouse and bed to lay around in all day. He says Melvin said that he likes gettin’ all the free meals and free clothes they give him, too. Ernest also says that Melvin told him, “Most folks here call this a gray bar hotel, but I think it’s a regular Walled-Off Astoria!”

Tags: Town Folk

Ebert Wollers went up to Knoxville to see a psychiatrist about his bed wettin’ problem. He told the psychiatrist, “Doc, I’m twenty eight years old and I still wet the bed. Can ya help me?” The psychiatrist answered Ebert sayin’, “Why of course, sir. That is merely an acting out of a supressed ego developement and rejection of adult responsibilities. I can help you stop your bed wetting in one of two ways”. “How’s that?” Ebert asked. The psychiatrist responded, “The first is pychoanalysis. Five visits a week at one hundred dollars a visit.” Thinking that would take a lot of time and money, Ebert asked, “What’s the other way?” The psychiatrist answered, “Rubber shorts at two dollars a pair.”

Tags: Town Folk

Last Sunday mornin’ at the Klufford’s Holler Town Hall Baptist Church, Rev. Elmer T. Higgenbothem invited anyone who wanted to be prayed for to come on up to the alter and he’d pray for them. Nobody came up except for Hazel McCall who asked Rev. Higgenbothem to pray for a healing for her burned ears. “My goodness!” Rev. Higgenbothem said, “How’d ya burn your ears so bad?” Hazel said, “Well, the other day I was pressing one of my best Sunday go to meetin’ aprons when the phone rang and I got confused and put the iron up to my ear.” Rev. Higgenbothem then said, “I see. But how did you burn your other ear?” to which Hazel replied, “The dang fool called back again.”

Tags: Town Folk

Ileen and Ireen, the Witherspoon spinsters who teach at the Klufford’s Holler one room schoolhouse went on a vacation a couple weeks ago. While they were away they asked Bernice Fritter to substitute teach for them. Bernice was glad to do this and, as she always did with her own kids at home, she taught the children stories every day and each of the stories had a moral to them. At the end of each story she would ask the children if they knew what the moral was, but most everytime, none of them knew. So Bernice spent a long time after each story explaining what the moral of the story was. Fact is, her explaining the moral of each of the stories was longer than the stories themselves. When the Witherspoon spinsters returned from vacation, on their first day back at school, all the students told them they were so glad to have them back. When they asked why, one of the children shouted out, “Because you ain’t got no morals.”

Tags: Town Folk

While he was our driving in his jalopy with his wife Bernice and the kids the other day, Nub Fritter got a sppeding ticket. When the policeman stopped Nub and came up to his jalopy, all of Nub’s kids were in the back seat yelling and squalling like crazy. The police officer then asked Nub why he was going so fast and Nub answered, “I was trying to get away from all the noise behind me.”

Tags: Town Folk

A few years after his divorce from Lowa Suggs, it was discovered that Ebert Wollers had done married five wives, so he was arrested for it. When Emmit went before the judge, the judge asked him how he could be so calloused as to have married five women. “Well, judge…” Ebert responded, “This time around I was just trying to make sure I got a good one.”

Tags: Town Folk

Lowa Suggs came up the alter at the Klufford’s Holler Town Hall Baptist Church last Sunday morning and got saved. That was extra special because Lowa was known all over Klufford’s Holler as one of them future tellers. She’d read folks palms and a crystal ball and claimed to be a medium. Nobody ever believed her about that last one though, ’cause everyone knows she’s an extra large.

Tags: Town Folk

Not long before she died, Josephine Isenbarger was feelin’ mighty poorly, so she asked for both the town doctor, Old Doc Beanly, and the town preacher, Rev. Elmer T. Higgenbothem, come see her before she died. Well, Old Doc Beanly was the first to come, but both Josephine’s eyesight and hearing was failing her pretty bad and she couldn’t much see or much hear who it was and thought it was Rev. Elmer T. visiting. After his visit, Old Doc Beanly went on his way and then the Rev. Elmer T. come to call, but Josephine thought it was old Doc Beanly. “Doc”, she said… at which point Rev. Elmer T. told her it was him and not the doctor. “Oh… my!” Josephine said. “Then it must have been Old Doc Beanly that just left.” “That’s right.” Rev. Elmer T. responded. “Well, that’s okay then.” Josephine said. “‘Cause I thought he was gettin’ mighty familiar with me for a preacher.”

Tags: Town Folk